The following is a work of fiction.

Not Nick Nolte's Diary, Malibu, California
May 23, 2005

Remade

Local Hero is a good film, one of my favorites. So imagine my surprise when someone from Enigma called about appearing in a remake. I began blocking the months off in the mental calendar when the producer said the remake would take place on the moon. This was followed by several seconds of muffled laughter and then the unmistakable sound of Tito singing in the background. Well, it turned out to be Scotty and Manolo playing a damned phone prank. I was driving at the time so I parked at Pepperdine for a minute and gathered myself. It was the emotional equivalent of finding warm gum on the bottom of your shoe. When I returned home, I graciously admitted defeat. The real punchline is that Scotty played the British female secretary who placed the call. What a falsetto. Assalamu alaikum.